When I was 8 I knew I liked girls. Well not just liked, actually loved them. It was everything about them. Their touch, their smell, even the way they walk. I did not get attracted by the breasts or the ass but the mind of a woman. Their was a undeniable attraction to them as if I were a 16 year old boy in the play boy mansion.
But all my life I lied to myself. Made myself like guys to the point I couldn't tell if I actually liked them. So I knew I was bi so what? But who wants to be the 8 year old bisexual in gym. no one will change around you so you hide it. Hide something enough it may never come out. Well for me it did. In the 8th grade I came out to 1 friend but I might as well have come out to the whole school. People avoided me and girls talked about me. For most people that wouldn't have bothered them but not me. I've got social anxiety! It's bad enough just being around a few people but having a whole school look at you was crazy.
So now I'm at a point where I have to stop lying to myself but i'm not quite sure what the truth is. Their is no doubt I love woman but what about men. Yes some are physically attractive but many lesbians can still respect when they see a good looking man. But what about the emotional connection? I've been in relationships with guys but for some reason it wasn't their. Or was it? I seem to be unable to tell if I am refusing to let a guy in because i'm so confused or am I truely not into men and trying to make myself beleive I am. I like guys. I still have crushes on them but i've begun to realize it's not the guy that I want it's the attention. I never have people actually look at me. I'm usually ignored and just the "black white" friend. But when a guy likes me it's like whoa how cool I guess i'm actually attractive to men. With girls I like who I like and it's not always who likes me. My therapist use to say that I was battered by men in my life and may just want their attention but not really like them. But i'm at a point in my life where I need to figure out what do I prefer!
I still have dreams of marrying a man but I only beleive it's because i'm afraid of reactions of a life spent with a woman. I'm not afraid to be seen with a girl at all but I do get afraid of my life in the future. So what do I prefer? I really don't know but maybe I just need to admit to myself that I am a lesbian!
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